Moving On

 I thought when that day came its gonna feel like achieving something. That glorious feeling of winning a battle. Turns out it isnt. It feels like you finally in peace, the noises fade out, and no more weight on your heart.

Come On!

Salah satu temen cowok gue pernah bilang gini, suatu hubungan itu bertahan atau enggak tergantung ceweknya. Gue gak ngerti maksudnya sampe gue kepikiran, hmm iya juga bisa jadi. Kenapa? 

Gak sekali dua kali gue denger perempuan mempertahankan hubungan yang sebenernya dia udah gak bahagia di dalamnya (disclaimer: beda cerita dengan pasangan yang sudah menikah). Bahkan lebih buruk lagi kalau dia udah sadar partnernya udah gak mau usaha lagi. Dengan bahasa kekiniannya: bucin yang sudah kebego-begoan. Ketika ceweknya yang udah ga mau usaha, kemungkinan besar hubungannya akan bubar. 

Ada beberapa kemungkinan di sini dan gue gak tau mana yang bener. (1) Bisa jadi cowok gak cukup berani to say what he wants/feels yang akhirnya dia prefer untuk "betingkah" sampe cewenya gak kuat dan cabut atau ghosting aja sekalian, atau (2) gak tega karena akan bikin si cewek sakit hati, atau (3) cowok bisa cukup kuat gengsi kalau udah tau ceweknya gak mau usaha lagi, dia akan stop.

Kejadian paling fresh baru-baru ini adalah gue sempet deket sama satu orang. He ticks most of my checklist. Gas pol dong gue. Sambil berjalan ternyata cara komunikasi kita gak sama. Gue tipe yang harus ngobrol setiap hari, dia engga. Yang terjadi adalah kebutuhan gue tidak terpenuhi dan dia jadi maksain. Gue selalu berpikir di saat lagi struggling, yuk gak apa-apa. Bisa kok. Ini akan lebih baik setelah kita terbiasa. Mungkin ini karena jauh. Dan seterusnya. Gue usahain terus sampe gue gak sadar kalo gue gak bahagia. and I gave up.

 Dan gak sekali gue denger bahkan ngalamin sendiri cerita dimana setelah pisah dengan baik-baik dan dengan alasan eksternal, biasanya ada omongan, "kalau punya pacar atau mau deketin sama orang lain, kasih tau ya". Apa yang terjadi? GAK ADA YANG PERNAH NGASIH TAU. Entah jadinya tau dari orang lain, atau dari postingan foto di instagram yang dia posting sendiri, atau gak ngaku aja. 

All Im saying is (1) dear all women out there, if you are not happy and you knew he stopped trying, leave. Be happy. and (2) dear all men out there, I know you are about to hurt her but by reading this you should understand a woman will always hold on to it until she realize. And all the time until the realization come, that is how long you are hurting her.

And to everyone, be brave saying what you feel even if it hurts (with manners of course). Dont leave your partner hanging. 

 I was in relationship with a man with 10 years gap with me. Everything was OK until one day I felt like not being heard. Tho I admit sometimes I got angry over unnecessary matters, but no, I didnt get mad because he did what he did, but if he did that, meant he didnt respect me. 

I thought the problem we had that I didnt communicate well so the message I was trying to say is not delivered to him. Or he was never be a good listener and not empathize enough. Months passed by after we broke up and never think about it anymore. Until Taylor Swift All Too Well became internet's sensation. 

There was one tweet crossed my timeline, the writer was analyzing what happened psychologically. Then it hit me, why it felt familiar? He didnt sorry because he made me feel disrespected. He said "Im sorry for whatever that made you angry". He didnt even ask what happened. 

I dont have any conclusion for this. Whatever it was, now I know I want a partner that makes me feel heard. That is it. 

God is trying to talk with me

Today, another heart broken. 

But I need to love me more. 

Today

 I have had my heart broken many times. Had a bad break up several times. What I knew is I can always bounce back. But with this break up, I feel like time is stopping. The days went by but I am still standing at the same spot since then. 

It took me more than a year to finally come to a realization that, yes, it is true. I have been living in the past time. I have been living in the memories. The memories of us still being together, of our happy times. I keep rewinding it until I believe that it is still happening. 

While the he now might be not the same person I was once with. The he now is the one who is not love me like before. The he now is already living in the present time. While the me is still living in the past time. 

I used to have this mantra to keep me sane: what's mine will be mine. My new mantra is: live in today. 

Now I understand the saying "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present". 

I currently on a series marathon: Grey's anatomy. I learnt a lot by watching it. It makes me want to promise to myself and my future husband, that we will be each other's person, to compromise and to not stop growing, no turning our backs if things went hard, and to heal together.

Hope this one is not just gonna be a post on a blog. 

DAY 23: A Letter for anyone

Dear You, 

I was once wanting to die when I broke up with my boyfriend. I was super angry with everything. I questioned the purpose of getting married, and a parades of questions which ended to: what's the purpose of life? I dont understand why I should stay alive, going to work, eat, getting married, have kids and then what?

But now that feeling fades. Maybe I am gradually reconciling with the situation. I always think its just a phase, the heart break will heal, the anger will be gone and I will be fine.

Two days ago I was looking on my twitter and I saw a video of someone trying to jump from a tower. Firefighters were trying to stop him. There were a lot of people trying to stop him even they brought her daughter to persuade him to come down.

Why those people, a stranger to that man, are trying to stop him. Even if he jumps, it wont harm them.

Then this thought came to my head, meaning that life is meaningful. Your life matters. Dont die in vain. You may not a scientist, a hella smart person that your absence will make the world collapse. BUT you are important for somepeople, for your family, for someone close to you, and for your friends.

So, lets have a purpose in life. To be useful for people around you.

DAY 22: TODAY

Hari ini dimulai dengan air yang gue siapin dari kemarin malem buat diminum pas bangun tidur sudah ada semut ngambang. Bete. Langsung mandi aja terus pake piyama enak.

Belakangan ini dari lubuk hati terdalam ada gejolak pengen beli baju baru wkwk. Tadinya mau beli online kan tapi kok tidak ada yang menarik perhatian. Akhirnya beraniin diri aja belanja ke offline store brand andalanku. Emang ya dasar firasat perempuan tuh suka kenceng, dapet dong gue 4 baju dengan harga super diskon! Dear perempuan, kamu tau kan perasaan ini??? Udah mah lagi hasrat buat belanja. Eh dapet pula barang diskonan. Mencet nomor pin di mesin EDC pun oh aku bahagia gak apa-apa gak nabung.

Dari kemarin-kemarin juga kepengen nyobain minuman boba yang baru buka dan lagi hits suka seliweran di IG story. Jadinya sebelum pergi beli boba dulu dan rasanya mirip sama brand lain tapi gue lebih suka yang ini karena manisnya pas buat selera gue. Tapi ya ada harga yang harus dibayar buat nikmatin boba hari ini: muncul 2 jerawat di muka.

Selesai mandi malem, santai-santai di kasur browsing-browsing youtube. Sampelah gue nemu ada video orang masak nasi gila. Emang dasar ya orang patah hati tuh ngeliat apa dikit langsung disambung-sambungin. Langsung aja dong gue keinget makan nasi gila waktu itu (walopun ga enak-enak banget wkwk) terus jadi mellow. Ni lama-lama orang patah hati tuh sebenernya gak kenapa-kenapa tapi bikin drama sendiri. 

DAY 21: LOVE

Cinta tuh aneh, kadang dia bisa jadi energi buat orang kasih 1000% yang dia bisa lakuin, tapi bisa juga jadi tameng buat orang ngelakuin hal konyol.

Cinta sering disalahkaprahin. Orang pikir dia ngelakuin A, B, C karena dia pikir itu cinta, padahal itu ego. Kita pikir kita cinta ternyata cuma kesepian. Mungkin cinta emang gak bisa berdiri sendiri. Akan ada emosi lain yang mengikuti. Asal kita sadar yang kita lakuin apakah bener cinta. 

Tapi ada pertanyaan yang masih suka ganggu pikiran gue. Kok gue bisa ya setelah putus dengan pacar yang gue yakini pada saat berhubungan gue cinta sama dia, beberapa waktu kemudian bisa gak ngerasa apa-apa sama orang itu. Cintanya tuh kemana ya? Berubah wujud?

DAY 20: Celebrity Crush

Wah bahkan celeb crush gue orangnya belom jadi celeb beneran. Gue dulu gila banget sama Dirly Idol HAHAHA. Segila sampe lo tau kan kalo finalis idol itu suka ada preview dari penampilan dia, nah gue akan selalu gercep ngerekamin pas bagian preview itu dari hape. Sampe pinjem hape kaka gue, sembari hasil rekamannya juga seadanya, terus gue tonton berkali-kali sambil kesengsem sendiri. Walaupun deep down gue sedih karena yang gue idolain sebenernya gak bagus-bagus amat kalo nyanyi jadi naksir karna ganteng aja. wkwk

Habis dari Dirly, udah gak ada lagi yang gue segila itu sampe bela-belain ngerekam. Mungkin karena teknologi juga semakin canggih jadi ga perlu effort banyak lagi. Your idol is one google away. 

Sebenernya ada ya banyak artis dan aktor yang gue suka banget tapi gue ga pernah mau cari tau lebih dalem. Karena kan gue jadi suka banget sama satu aktor karena gue liat dia di suatu film atau series yang dimana dia lagi acting dan tokoh yang dia peranin misalkan keren banget atau asik banget. Terus pas gue googling tentang aktor tersebut, entah kenapa gue jadi kecewa sendiri. Gak tau juga kenapa.

Akhirnya yang sering gue lakukan adalah oke gue suka artis ini, cari tau karya lainnya apa, kalo penyanyi googling liriknya biar bisa sing along. Terus udah, googling juga selewat aja cukup. Aneh ya? Makin tau idola malah jadi kecewa, mungkin gue sudah merasa cukup dengan ngefans idola gue versi series/film/lagunya aja?