Papah

Today is day 8. I never knew there was a place even for your silence.

Part I

In 2020, I broke up with my boyfriend. That moment shook my world, big time. Not just because of the breakup, but because after that, I was living life without truly being alive. I questioned the purpose of life many times. I was lost. For years.

Until one night, I prayed. Deeply. I asked God to return my desire to live.

He answered.

I realized I had never allowed myself to grieve. I kept telling myself it was for the greater good, that not being with him was the right thing.

But grief does not disappear just because it is denied.

~

This is not about him.

This is about me, and how little I knew myself. I didn’t know that not every loss weighs the same.

And I feel guilty for the years I abandoned myself.

HI WORLD

Mari kita bangkit dari kubur. See ya soon!

Just to keep me sane

 It's 0.45. It's quiet but doesn't feel lonely.

Months ago I changed my blog to private mode just to entertain one person. But why the f should I care. I'm not responsible for how you feel. So yeah. 

Anyway, gue belakangan ini menyadari bahwa sifat gue itu banyak yang mirip sama nyokap. Salah satunya adalah betapa pemaafnya kita. 

Nyokap sering cerita kalau dia sakit hati sama tindakan seseorang ke dia, sampai kita sekeluarga berusaha menjauhkan nyokap dari orang ini, sebut saja X. Baru aja beberapa hari lalu nyokap cerita lagi ada kejadian yang bikin nyokap gue heran sama kelakuan si X. Kemudian, siang ini nyokap tiba-tiba nanya ke gue, "Mau ga anterin mama ketemu si X?".

Entah kenapa hati gue langsung nyes. Ngapain nyokap mau capek-capek nyamperin orang ini? Bukannya kemarin baru cerita kalau dia sakit hati? 

Tapi gue ngerti. Ya jawabannya semudah: udah lupa aja sama perasaan sakit hatinya. 

Jujur gue sedih. Gue nolak buat nganterin hanya karena gue gak mau nyokap gue nanti sakit hati lagi. I just want to protect her. 

But then that feeling hit me. I should've protect myself too just like how I want to protect my mom. 

I should've apologize to me. 

I'm sorry

The two words we actually need to hear but rarely (or even never) said from a specific person(s).

Hitam Putih

 I just watched a video on Youtube for a new movie promotion. Then they talked about a moment when your life lost its color. 

Mine would be on March 2020. A break-up. That was the moment I questioned life purpose. 

What is yours?

41 days left

 how 2023 so far? 

mine as per today, i just want waking up in the morning feels light. 

Selamat Ulang Tahun, Aku.

 Saya mulai nulis ini di tanggal 3. Waktu umur sekolah saya paling gak sabar nunggu bulan Agustus dateng. Mau ulang tahun. Kemudian satu dari sekian patah hati terbesar saya terjadi 2 minggu sebelum ulang tahun ke-17. Putus cinta. Masih jelas memorinya, di hari itu, dia datang ke depan kelas, saya hampiri dan dia mengulurkan tangan, "Selamat ulang tahun ya". Saya balik badan dan jalan ke kursi saya dengan mata berkaca-kaca, nahan nangis. 

Sejak hari itu, ada aja hal-hal yang bikin gak seneng di hari ulang tahun. Entah pacar telat dateng, temen deket lupa ngucapin (aduh iya gak penting, tapi buat ABG di umur itu hal ini bikin sedih). Sampai ada waktunya karena takut sedih saya pilih untuk menarik diri dan bilang "mau me time". Padahal itu cuma jadi coping mechanism. Akhirnya Agustus jadi bulan yang bikin ketar-ketir karena saya takut sedih di hari ulang tahun. 

Di tahun 2023. Setelah 3 tahun melewati perjalanan mengenal diri lewat patah hati. Sepulang dari liburan pendek kemarin, di usia menjelang 29 tahun, saya akhirnya bener-bener sadar bahwa yang paling bikin saya bahagia tuh ternyata diri saya sendiri. Semua susah, seneng, berjuang, ya saya. 

Jadi, tulisan ini jadi hadiah buat Aku. 

Selamat Ulang Tahun ke-29, Aku.

Terima kasih sudah berjuang bersama, bersedih bersama, bangkit bersama dan bersenang-senang bersama. Berhenti sebentar dan ingat-ingat gimana ceritanya kita bisa ada di hari ini. Kita jalani lagi besok sampai di ulang tahun ke-30. Kita lihat sejauh mana kita jalan, selebar apa senyum kita, ingatan apa lagi yang akan kita buat. Kalau sedih lagi, kita bangun lagi. Kalau akhirnya bahagia, kita ingat lagi hari ini. Jika tidak, kita cari lagi bahagia itu. 

Bali

I just got back from Bali. I thought it was just me impulsively spending money. The morning I had my breakfast while watching the paddy field and blue sky, feeling the cool breeze and the warm sunlight touched my skin, I realized I really need this.

This trip feels like what my heart, body and soul needs. 

I got the closure, the rest, and the realization in one trip. 

I heard the story I need that it erased my hatred towards you. Now I can move forward because I want to.

Coming home with heavy heart, but my steps and head are lighter. 

Turned out I wasn't mad at you.

I was mad at myself for keep believing and falling to the same shit for God knows how many times. 

And that was worse cause I can forgive you but hardly on myself.