Dear Eye

 Its 2.19 am and in 7 hours im about to have that vacation. The one that i told you about, the one that made me upset, the one that made you said “How can I help? You want me to come along?”.

Now it’s 2.41 am and in 7 hours you are not coming.

I'm sorry

The two words we actually need to hear but rarely (or even never) said from a specific person(s).

Hitam Putih

 I just watched a video on Youtube for a new movie promotion. Then they talked about a moment when your life lost its color. 

Mine would be on March 2020. A break-up. That was the moment I questioned life purpose. 

What is yours?

Dear Eye

 What you did to me was unacceptable. I hate you so much. 

For you, i was just something replacable in a second you want to give up. You left me wondering what went wrong and where i did wrong. The fact that i told you i had unfinished issues, i was at the point i started to stand strong, then you just crushed me into tiny little pieces. Just. Like. That.

I hate you because i know you are now living your life as if nothing has happened. You are gonna wake up in the morning, take a shower and start your day. Just like any other day. While me, i have to wake up then in a second that heavy feeling start creeping up to my whole body and stuck in my heart. I need to drag my ass off because i know i have to start my day and not being stuck in my bed being miserable. 

Some of my happy things are now feel scary because they remind me of you. Even meeting up with that one friend is scary for me, cause she will remind me of you. And i fucking hate you for that. 

I like you for who you are, that funny, smart, humble and passionate person. I dont care about who your family is. Even when i know who they are scares me so much i wanted to cry. 

I know what you did doesn’t represent me. Therefore, i hope you find the peace so you can stop overanalyzing and start to live. 

Dear Why

You are so not worth my energy. 

Why am I stupidly thinking you tick all my checklist?

While all you did was making me feel bad about myself, thinking I wasn't good enough, thinking what fulfil me is not a good thing. 

The fact that what you think about me was what you made out of judging me and it was all in your head. 

You are such a hypocrite. Acting like a saint but you are just as dirty as how you judged me. 

I hate you so much for making me hate myself. 

41 days left

 how 2023 so far? 

mine as per today, i just want waking up in the morning feels light. 

Selamat Ulang Tahun, Aku.

 Saya mulai nulis ini di tanggal 3. Waktu umur sekolah saya paling gak sabar nunggu bulan Agustus dateng. Mau ulang tahun. Kemudian satu dari sekian patah hati terbesar saya terjadi 2 minggu sebelum ulang tahun ke-17. Putus cinta. Masih jelas memorinya, di hari itu, dia datang ke depan kelas, saya hampiri dan dia mengulurkan tangan, "Selamat ulang tahun ya". Saya balik badan dan jalan ke kursi saya dengan mata berkaca-kaca, nahan nangis. 

Sejak hari itu, ada aja hal-hal yang bikin gak seneng di hari ulang tahun. Entah pacar telat dateng, temen deket lupa ngucapin (aduh iya gak penting, tapi buat ABG di umur itu hal ini bikin sedih). Sampai ada waktunya karena takut sedih saya pilih untuk menarik diri dan bilang "mau me time". Padahal itu cuma jadi coping mechanism. Akhirnya Agustus jadi bulan yang bikin ketar-ketir karena saya takut sedih di hari ulang tahun. 

Di tahun 2023. Setelah 3 tahun melewati perjalanan mengenal diri lewat patah hati. Sepulang dari liburan pendek kemarin, di usia menjelang 29 tahun, saya akhirnya bener-bener sadar bahwa yang paling bikin saya bahagia tuh ternyata diri saya sendiri. Semua susah, seneng, berjuang, ya saya. 

Jadi, tulisan ini jadi hadiah buat Aku. 

Selamat Ulang Tahun ke-29, Aku.

Terima kasih sudah berjuang bersama, bersedih bersama, bangkit bersama dan bersenang-senang bersama. Berhenti sebentar dan ingat-ingat gimana ceritanya kita bisa ada di hari ini. Kita jalani lagi besok sampai di ulang tahun ke-30. Kita lihat sejauh mana kita jalan, selebar apa senyum kita, ingatan apa lagi yang akan kita buat. Kalau sedih lagi, kita bangun lagi. Kalau akhirnya bahagia, kita ingat lagi hari ini. Jika tidak, kita cari lagi bahagia itu. 

Bali

I just got back from Bali. I thought it was just me impulsively spending money. The morning I had my breakfast while watching the paddy field and blue sky, feeling the cool breeze and the warm sunlight touched my skin, I realized I really need this.

This trip feels like what my heart, body and soul needs. 

I got the closure, the rest, and the realization in one trip. 

I heard the story I need that it erased my hatred towards you. Now I can move forward because I want to.

Coming home with heavy heart, but my steps and head are lighter. 

Turned out I wasn't mad at you.

I was mad at myself for keep believing and falling to the same shit for God knows how many times. 

And that was worse cause I can forgive you but hardly on myself. 

 Since Day 1, I told my best friend why I was so positive and excited with you. Why I see future. Meeting you was like seeing a light at the end of dark tunnel. I brushed off things because you felt like hope.

And yesterday I re-read my chat with my best friend, then the scar starts hurting. I feel tears in my cheek.

Where is the man I fell in love with?